Most one-on-ones aren’t that good

Let’s be honest, many one-on-ones aren’t as effective as we’d like them to be.  They’re polite.  They’re busy.  They’re well-intended.

And too often, they don’t quite deliver the impact we, as leaders hope for.

It’s easy for one-on-ones to slip into status updates that could have been an email. When that happens, it’s no surprise that engagement doesn’t really shift.

In my experience, one-on-ones rarely fail because managers don’t care or don’t try. They struggle because there isn’t always a clear intention behind them.

Recognition is usually where things start to drift.  Most managers genuinely believe they recognise their people well. Many employees experience it differently.  There’s strong research showing that only around one in five employees agree they receive the right amount of recognition. Yet very few of us regularly ask our people how they want to be recognised.

As Marcus Buckingham says, “People are motivated by what they say they want, not by what you think should matter to them.”

When we don’t ask, we’re left to assume. And assumptions are a fragile foundation for leadership.

Hybrid work has made connections easier to overlook and that carries risk.  When people aren’t physically together, relationships don’t form by accident. They need deliberate attention or they quietly weaken over time.

One-on-ones are often the moment where managers either notice this or unintentionally miss it.

Clarity isn’t micromanagement. It’s respect.  In fast-moving workplaces, expectations shift quickly. What feels like flexibility from a leadership perspective can feel like uncertainty on the ground.

Kim Scott captures this well: “Clarity is kindness.”  One-on-ones are one of the safest places to restore that clarity.

Longer meetings won’t rescue weak conversations.  A monthly 60-minute one-on-one often has less impact than a focused 15-minute conversation each week. Frequency builds trust. Long gaps tend to create pressure and catch-up mode.

And if one-on-ones only focus on problems, something important gets lost.  As Don Clifton said, “People grow most in their areas of greatest strength.”

Strength-based conversations create energy and momentum. Problem-only conversations slowly drain it.

Here’s a simple reframe:

One-on-ones aren’t meetings you run.  They’re conversations leaders host.  If you only change one thing this week, start with these three questions. They consistently lift the quality of one-on-ones.

1. “What’s the most important thing you’re working on right now, and what’s getting in the way?” This quickly surfaces priorities, obstacles and alignment.
   
   
2. “What’s something you’ve done recently that you’re proud of?” This creates space for strengths and recognition without forcing it.
   
   
3. “What do you need more or less of from me right now?” This invites honesty and reinforces that leadership is a service, not a position.
   
   

You don’t need more meetings.  You just need the ones you already have, to matter.

If you’re ready to strengthen leadership capability and create meaningful impact contact us today to find out how Stoke Consulting can help.

Stoke Consulting